Anaconda Review: A Tees Maar Khan–Level Crap in the Anaconda Series

RATING - ⭐ ⭐ 2/5*

Anaconda Review Movie Talkies :

Anaconda (1997) remains a fond childhood memory for many of us. It was never great cinema, but it became hugely popular on television, where kids and families genuinely enjoyed watching a giant snake wreak havoc. The fear, clichés, jump scares, Jon Voight’s deliciously over-the-top villainy, and the heroic climax all worked within the liberties of commercial cinema. Then came the mistake called Anacondas (2004), which alienated honest fans of the original. Sadly, history repeats itself in 2025—except this time, the blunder is even bigger. Paul Rudd and Jack Black’s meta reboot is barely funny, excessively silly, cheap-looking, and outright childish. As the headline suggests, this is the Tees Maar Khan of the Anaconda franchise.

Anaconda Story: 

The film follows four childhood friends—Doug (Jack Black), Griff (Paul Rudd), Kenny (Steve Zahn), and Claire (Thandiwe Newton). Griff claims he owns the copyright to Anaconda and proposes that they remake it. Since everyone’s life is going nowhere, they agree and head to the Amazon to shoot the film. They are joined by Ana (Daniela Melchior), the daughter of the boat owner, who also becomes part of the project and is quickly positioned as the main character, pushing Griff and Claire to the sidelines. During filming, they lose their prop anaconda, only for a real, gigantic snake to emerge from the river. The question is simple: will they survive?

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This Anaconda is neither a sequel nor a remake, but a meta-comedy stuffed with self-references to the original film and other horror classics. Characters casually reference The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and talk about the 1997 Anaconda the same way cinephiles do in real life. On paper, it sounds amusing. On screen, the comedy falls flat—and then the script sinks even further. What begins as a playful parody soon turns into a painfully juvenile affair. The fear, horror elements, and action sequences are all treated like jokes, draining the film of any tension or engagement. You quickly lose interest and simply wait for this exhausting circus to stagger toward its finale.

Anaconda cast:

Performances hardly matter because the actors don’t seem to be trying. Paul Rudd as a nonstop chatterbox and Jack Black as his more confident buddy make the film marginally watchable. They should have been hilarious, but they fall short—though they remain mildly entertaining. Thandiwe Newton is serviceable, Steve Zahn does just enough to pass the time, and Daniela Melchior is strictly average. Selton Mello is decent in his brief role. Cameos by Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez offer a fleeting dose of nostalgia, but even that is mishandled and does little justice to their fan following.

Anaconda Movie Review:

Made on a moderate budget of $45 million, Anaconda does receive competent technical support. Nigel Bluck’s cinematography includes some irritating shaky frames but remains largely serviceable. At around 100 minutes, the film isn’t overly long, and the editing by Craig Alpert and Gregory Plotkin keeps the pace moving. Unfortunately, it’s the screenplay and dialogue that grate on your nerves. The production design is fine, the background score is underwhelming, and Tom Gormican’s confused direction and writing deserve heavy criticism for tarnishing the legacy of the original film. Some cult movies are better left untouched. If you’re going to revisit them, at least show respect. In short, I never thought I’d see Anaconda swallowing this much cinematic crap.

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